Journal no. 3

I thought of recording this before I get any news on 4 Mar. And yes, basically I'm in self denial because I'm worried. Worried that I may not have a baby in me after all.

After about 8 days of missing my period, on 10 Feb I peed on a Clear Blue stick. It showed two lines. Since that time in Dec when I "lost" a period (either didn't record it or it didn't come) and had an expulsion one month later (diarrhea and period blood), I started to seriously think I would have problems conceiving. We were trying since June 2019 but no luck, so in early Jan we went to the polyclinic to get a referral for a fertility check. It was at KKH, early March. Preliminary diagnosis : subfertility.

That's a long wait, I thought. But no matter.

COVID-19 came and it was a sad and worrisome time for everyone. But ever since I had my positive pregnancy result, I held a secret joy within me. This meant that I am suitable to conceive and didn't have to go thru any IVF... I showed the result to husband and he was pleased and relieved too, but I warned him not to our parents until the pregnancy was confirmed by a doctor. At my age and with my interest in reading up on things, I was cautiously optimistic at best that I was really really pregnant. Many things can and probably will go wrong, so best not to give the family false hope.

In the meantime I have not been idle. I have been experiencing morning sickness and general tiredness, sensitive boobs... And I joined a telegram group of expectant moms with the same due date month and have learnt a lot from reading what they have shared, especially the stories from second, third time moms. It's a nice group of about 50 ladies who freely share their thoughts and give support to one another. The group grows as more people find the telegram link in the motherhood forums, but sometimes, people leave too.

Today, a member posted her intention to leave, as she had seen a gynae who reported that she had a sac but no embryo inside. It had not developed.

My gosh, I thought. After 6 weeks of excitement and nothing to show for it?

I posted my condolences. Then about three hours later, I started to wonder, could this happen to me too? Would I need to leave such a message before leaving? My doctor appointment was almost two weeks away and I didn't want to go for a private consultation.

So I read about this empty sac and saw that you do get all the hormones that come with a pregnancy, but with no actual baby growing inside you. That means having the positive result, the morning sickness...

😱😱😱

So yes, I'm worried as can be.